“Let me be perfectly clear,” began President Obama. “The Cubs are too big to fail. Financially, I mean, of course. They’re actually quite adept at failing otherwise.

“Last night, Congress passed a 284 billion dollar bailout that will begin to right this ship, which began sinking during the Bush administration. Key items in this bill include funds for team improvement, signs outside the ballpark advertising that this project has been paid for as part of the Cubs Recovery Action Plan, and an item I like to call ‘other items – see Pelosi for details’. 

“Rest assured that this administration is NOT in the business of running professional baseball teams. And if the Cubs meet all provisions of the bill and are successful by August 1^st, which is to say, have won the World Series, then we will not have to take over the organization at the federal level.

“I can see by the look on some of the faces of Cubs management and players in attendance, that they are a bit surprised by this announcement. I have no doubt that talk radio will describe the look as shock and disgust, but I do not see it that way, and I’m sure all of the mainstream media in attendance will back me up on that, right? Right? Okay.

“Now, lots of folks have questions about how things will change now that my administration is involved. Let me assure you, that this team will continue to be the lovable losers you all have grown up with, as there is nothing that the federal government controls that can achieve more than that.

“In an effort to insulate me from the White Sox fans who consider this act traitorous, we will be appointing a ‘Cubs Czar’ to help run operations. Because we have extra cash, we will also appoint a ‘Groundskeeping Czar’, an ‘Overpriced Parking Czar’, and a ‘Peanut Vendor Czar.’

 “Additionally, in order to be more competitive in the 21^st century as well as reduce the team’s carbon footprint, we have instituted some new “green” initiatives. For example, until about twenty years ago, the Cubs managed to play games with no lights. That will start anew. And not just stadium lights, but clubhouse lights, press box lights, you name it. No electricity whatsoever.

“Furthermore, we were taken aback at the level of executive and player pay, so we are taking away bonuses and redistributing salary so that all players are compensated equally for their efforts. And while some critics have said that this will drive baseball over-achievers away from the Cubs, my pollsters say it’s worth 3 approval rating points for me. 

“And finally, to quell one persistent internet rumor, under no circumstance will we be relocating the team to Montreal. That would make no sense, as I have no jurisdiction there. 

“I’m sure our efforts today will be met with great satisfaction all over the country, and particularly in Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, St. Louis, and Milwaukee, which in addition to being in the National League Central, are all coincidentally located in important swing states.

“Um…my teleprompter quit. Um…uh…end of press conference.”